Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner

I can probably shut up now about the strange ways people are finding this site, because I've finally seen the topper. Today someone got here by searching on these magic, magic words:

bad things about IVF

Where do I even begin?

I want my MTV

Today's winning search term:

good jackass ideas

I can only surmise that the person searching was looking for ideas that might get them airtime on MTV's Jackass.

Do you think IVF counts? Sign me the fuck up. If I'm going to volunteer for this, don't I at least deserve the Nielsens to go with it? My God, any pantywaist can set himself on fire while barricaded inside a Port-a-Potty, but it takes a real man to withstand needles in the ovaries.

Googlewanking

For your mystified amusement, some of the winning search terms from overnight:

pregnant bikini I assure you that if I am ever lucky enough to get pregnant and stay that way long enough for it to show, the last thing you'll find on this site is pictures of me in a bikini. I didn't wear one when I was twenty, for God's sake, when I had the body of, well, a twenty-year-old. I wouldn't do it now, with my current body by Follistim. I admit that the idea of baring my needle-bruised thighs, my lap-scarred belly, and my hormone-bloated ass in public has a certain theoretical freak-the-mundanes charm, but even I'm not that much of a sadist. Look, the pregnant body can be lovely, but mine's a horrorshow before the terrifying things that happen to the near-term navel, so take your desperate quest elsewhere.

julie wants I guess someone is planning to buy me a present! Special hint: vodka is always the right size.

how things were in the olden days Well, sonny, back in my day you didn't need a doctor to get pregnant. You just did it and shut up about it. I swanny, the kids today with their Internets and their baggy dungarees and their test-tube babies...tarrrrrrnation, wasn't like that when I was a sprig.

doctor pregnant fuck In case anyone searches for this term in the future, I'll make it easy and collect all these words in a few short sentences:

• Fuck! Not pregnant. I blame my doctor.
  
• The only way a doctor could get me pregnant is if he fucked me himself.
  
• "Doctor! This creepy weasel searching for mama-porn got his ass kicked by an angry pregnant lady." "Fucker's flatlining. Don't bother with the CPR."

Update: I have a late-breaking addition from this morning's logs:

how do you get pregnant Lady, you must want the next blog over or something, because fuck if I know.

I don't even know what to say

What was this person searching for, and why did this term bring him here?

A woman becomes pregnant quickly and her abdomen is blown up

Now, maybe I'd understand his arrival here if he'd searched for

a woman isn't pregnant after a year of high-tech treatment and yet her abdomen looks like unbaked, overproofed pain au levain

That clean, close shave

Today someone reached my site via this search term:

doctors recommendation for shaving vulva

I haven't asked or anything, but I'm pretty sure my doctor doesn't have a ready recommendation for vulva-shaving.

Small frightened mammal seeks women for good times, bludgeoning

Any of you ladies still looking for a mate?  In honor of Valentine's Day, I have exerted my most expert matchmaking skills to find the perfect match for you.

He's handsome.  He's organized.  And he's sensitive to boot.

Sometimes, I feel like a small, frightened mammal in the Mesozoic Era. But that mammal somehow managed to continue his line. Within the context of my  nature, I'll try to do the same.

See?

No fighting, ladies.  You can share — he's looking for 2-6 women of reproductive age.  He'll even pay for medical care during pregnancy "up to a reasonable amount."  That'll come in handy when you're having the 17 children he desires.  ("Why 17? I don't know. It just seems like a good number to have. I didn't say this earlier in the web-site because I didn't want to scare you away right off the bat.")

Speaking of bats, if the competition between wives for this ferocious hunk gets too fierce, don't worry: you can always just whale on the bitches:

Everyone in the household would keep a baseball bat under their bed to deal with possible burglars, intruders, and trespassers.

Convenient, no?

All this and he's intensely erotic...and circumcised.

All I can say is thank God I'm infertile.  And nearsighted. 

Search me

Periodically I go through the access logs so I can see how people are finding my site.  Most of the search terms make sense — most people who get here via search engines are looking for information on IVF, or pregnancy, or, strangely enough, Fallopian tequila. 

But these search terms make a little less sense to me.  Make of them what you will.

if i don't have my uterus can i get pregnant

I'd have to say that's unlikely.  But feel free to get a second opinion, since I'm not a doctor or anything.

how do you say miscarriage in vietnamese? 

You can use either sây thai or sanh non.  Let me say how sorry I am.  I wish you a swift and painless su lây lai, and I hope you are soon enjoying a carefree ride in your xe cô không dùng dê chay trên công lô*.

surprise vaginal ultrasound

I'm kind of at a loss here.  It's really not the kind of thing that sneaks up on you.  Surprise birthday party, sure.  (Dude, you totally should have been at my twenty-first.)  Surprise pregnancy, you bet, not that I'd know.  But surprise cold-plastic-dildo-with-a-camera-on-the-end-sheathed-in-a-condom- and-shoved-halfway-to-paradise?  Not so much.

pictures of Pocahontas when she was pregnant

Christ, you people are bent.

cat's breasts

Really bent.

pregnant cat ovaries

Really, really bent.

what's supposed to happen in first month of pregnancy

First you're supposed to tell everyone in the Western Hemisphere.  Go on, I'll wait while you do that.  Done?  Good.  Okay, now go buy some maternity clothes.  Look, you're not getting any slimmer, if you know what I mean.  Don't worry.  Everyone will know you're pregnant and not just fat.  Next paint the nursery.  No, wait, even better: pay someone to do it for you.  Don't want to overexert yourself — everybody knows you should be taking it easy.  While you're waiting for the paint to dry (in a clean room several miles away, isolated from any harmful fumes), pick out six names for each sex.  And for the love of God, don't spell it the way it sounds.  When that's done, you'll need an off-road stroller, three dozen outfits, several sets of bedding (and if it doesn't match your kid will grow up waaaaay retarded, so, you know, word to the wise), a car seat, a giant-ass teddy bear, and a big honkin' college fund.  Finished?  Whew.  Now.  Aren't you glad you took care of that?  Baby will be here before you know it!  Only 36 more weeks to go.

catheter clinic erotic

My friends, before you shudder at this, let me tell you that the relief I felt upon having my bladder emptied after embryo transfer was downright erotic. So I'm bent.  Really, really bent.

fertile crack ho puts out and infertile redneck bitch

Don't these two sound like a fun couple?

four testicles

Sorry, can't help you with that, but perhaps you'd enjoy a three headed-frog instead.

home induced miscarriage

Oh, God, please don't try that.

how to hang myself

Or that.

my aunt fucks my dog

I shared this winner with getupgrrl, whose disbelieving response was this: "His aunt does not fuck his dog.  No way his aunt fucks his dog.  No way.  Maybe he wishes she would (and that she'd let him watch), but I just can't believe she does it.  I mean, if you were an aunt, would you fuck your nephew's dog?  Of course not.  You'd get your own dog to fuck."

_____
* Off-road vehicle.

Heavens to Betsy, only #5?

Either I need to stop swearing entirely, or I need to swear a lot more, because a fifth-place ranking will not do.

Let's review: Don't drink gas.

Found on the Internet:

Q. I'm five months pregnant and I have been craving bleach. I have a really strong urge to drink it. I never experienced this in my other two pregnancies. Can this be harmful to my baby? Have you ever heard of this?
-Anonymous, Maryland

A. First, please do not drink the bleach! It can be very harmful to you and your baby. You should report your craving to your doctor ASAP. You are probably deficient in iron or some other vitamin. Your body is instinctually seeking out what you are lacking through your seemingly-odd craving.

It is more common than you think during pregnancy to crave such potentially poisonous items as permanent markers, spray paint, gasoline, dirt and bleach. It's almost always an indicator of a dietary deficiency.

How about Sharpies?  Can I eat a fine-point Sharpie?  It sounds mysteriously delicious.  Just a nibble, I promise!  Oh, and oil-based paint.  I know it's not safe to inhale its fumes during pregnancy and all, but do you think it's okay if I eat it like soup, maybe with oyster crackers and a delicate garniture of finely-snipped chives?  And what about huffing benzene?  That okay?  Because I have one fuck of a monster craving. 

Can this be harmful to my baby?

That vacant look

Dear friends, I am going on vacation.

I will not be posting updates while I'm away. I won't have a computer with me, but I will have my cell phone, so if you'd like to get in touch with me, you can simply dial random combinations of digits until I answer.

I'll be returning Thursday, September 16, but probably won't post before Friday. Please assume all is well. In my absence, you can keep busy by developing feverish crushes on any of these worthy writers, or by putting yourself into a trance by calling Tertia an asshole over...and over...and over — whichever suits you best.

See you mid-month.