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03/17/2006
Toddle model twaddle
There is something faintly disturbing about the photographs used on diaper packaging. The children featured are always attractive and well-groomed, of course, as befits a teething supermodel. But beyond that, there's an unsettling fakeness to them. They seem suspiciously carefree, after all, for babies who are on the verge of emptying their bowels — unless we're supposed to assume they've already performed the necessary, in which case, gaaaah, dude, don't go down the slide in that thing. They are almost invariably performing tasks that should not be undertaken without pants, or at least not without an athletic supporter. And not a single one of them has managed to seize my toothbrush from where it was carelessly left near the edge of the bathroom counter and inquisitively tuck it down the front of his diaper.
I call foul. Every time I'm in the diaper aisle in the grocery store, I try to imagine what's really going on in the photos. I've included a few examples. Now it's your turn. Go on. Try it. It's fun.
Winner gets to explain to baby #7 why his mommy doesn't love him.
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Package #1
"...And after you finish the lawn, Mellors, there's a hornet's nest I'd like you to see to."
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Package #2
Everyone agreed that this time Calvin Klein truly went too far.
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Package #3
Tonight: The shocking season finale of CSI: Kindercare.
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Package #4
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Package #5
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Package #6
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Package #7
