Do we have to discuss it again?

Infertility itself is bad enough. What's almost worse is the torture of revisiting the same issues over and over and over. It's like Groundhog Day, if it were set in Hell, directed by David Cronenberg, projected through a blurry lens.

Focus. FOCUS!

Fertile people don't have to do this. They may have some initial disagreement over when to have kids, or even whether to do so at all, but once those decisions are made, they're made. They make sweet love, then pee on a stick, et voilà! Issue resolved, for better or worse, once and for fucking all.

That's a luxury we're denied. Instead we get punished with talk. After every setback, infertile people have to reassess. Every failure requires another conversation, another decision, yet another fucking drama. Do we want to try again? Do we change the protocol, change clinics? With every new difficulty that presents itself, we have to discuss, to process, to reaffirm. That might be okay if we faced different questions. But it's always and ever the same, and it always boils down to this: Do we really want children enough?

How far are we willing to go?

I would like to face a negative with nothing to discuss, to have had a cycle so promising that it's only a matter of time, to want to change nothing, to feel all is settled. To know we're on the right track at last. To deal only with the disappointment of failure instead of getting sidetracked by the same...thousand...questions we answer every time.

Posted by Julie at 03:28:34 PM in I've learned a lot...but I'm not sure it's worth it.

Comments

Do we have to discuss it again?

Infertility itself is bad enough. What's almost worse is the torture of revisiting the same issues over and over and over. It's like Groundhog Day, if it were set in Hell, directed by David Cronenberg, projected through a blurry lens.

Focus. FOCUS!

Fertile people don't have to do this. They may have some initial disagreement over when to have kids, or even whether to do so at all, but once those decisions are made, they're made. They make sweet love, then pee on a stick, et voilà! Issue resolved, for better or worse, once and for fucking all.

That's a luxury we're denied. Instead we get punished with talk. After every setback, infertile people have to reassess. Every failure requires another conversation, another decision, yet another fucking drama. Do we want to try again? Do we change the protocol, change clinics? With every new difficulty that presents itself, we have to discuss, to process, to reaffirm. That might be okay if we faced different questions. But it's always and ever the same, and it always boils down to this: Do we really want children enough?

How far are we willing to go?

I would like to face a negative with nothing to discuss, to have had a cycle so promising that it's only a matter of time, to want to change nothing, to feel all is settled. To know we're on the right track at last. To deal only with the disappointment of failure instead of getting sidetracked by the same...thousand...questions we answer every time.