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01/21/2006
Pick me
Several of you have commented, in response to my hand-wringing about whether to have another child, that I don't seem to be considering the possibility of adoption. Not so; adoption certainly remains an option, as it has since IVF #3. But first things first: what I'm currently concerned about is whether to bring another child into our family, rather than how.
It is true, however, that I don't see adoption as an easy way out of a difficult conundrum. It's not the no-brainer that it might be for others in our position, or that some think it should be for us. Although it's not risky physically, there are significant emotional issues associated with adoption, and I can't deny their existence, nor can I dismiss them easily. The fact is, almost as much as another pregnancy, adoption scares the bejesus out of me.
Why? Here is part one.
Have you ever visited online profiles of couples who hope to adopt domestically? I have. I've spent a great deal of time, in fact, paging through profile after profile, wondering what makes each couple special. Noticing what they feel is important for a woman considering adoption to know. And, yes, comparing ourselves to them. Sussing out the competition, if you want to know the truth.
They're cute, I'll think with rising chagrin, and, shit, they mow their lawn! That's it. Game over. Or I'll silently pledge, This year I won't hate Christmas. This year I won't hate Christmas, so I can honestly claim, like every other waiting couple, to love holidays with friends and family. Or I'll get downright aggressive, huffing, So fucking what if Dave plans to build a treehouse in the backyard? Paul is outside right now planting a goddamn deciduous copse, where he'll construct an entire fucking arboreal civilization. And I'll be hurriedly sketching out a cunning aqueduct made of hollowed-out logs to carry fresh water to the good people of Mapleopolis when I catch myself and think, What the hell am I doing?
What I'm doing is freaking out. I am terrified that no birth mother would choose us.
It has nothing to do with whether we'd make good parents. With Charlie we're often fantastic, and if sometimes we're merely adequate, well, our average is still solidly pegged at "good." I even think we'd be able to communicate that to a woman considering placing her child. (It might take some fancy footwork, some sleight of hand, maybe a kickass PowerPoint presentation, but I think we could somehow manage.) And it's not about feeling inadequate, exactly, because, um, low self-esteem has never been my particular problem. I mean, sure, I may smell like vomit, but it's an honest reek, not unlike that of a goodhearted workman who's spent a hot June day toiling in his field of organic mung beans, only, well, mung-ier. No, I know we're as deserving and as appealing as everyone else.
Yes. We're every bit as deserving and appealing as everyone else. We're just not any more so.
No, really. Hard to believe! I know! But, listen, these people are nice.
I want to make it clear at the outset that I have no intention of mocking the couples whose profiles I've read. To a one, they seem like genuinely lovely people who have a great deal to offer a child โ people who, like all of us, simply want to complete their families and are bravely opening their hearts to strangers to do so. They are obviously good people, so good that on days when I'm feeling especially discouraged, it's easy to believe most of them have a lot more to offer a child than we do.
And, Jesus, to someone considering domestic open adoption, isn't that scary?
But it's true, and to support my assertion I present Exhibit A. Ward and June are an amalgam, a fictitious couple based on many, many profiles. Much of what I attribute to them is copied almost verbatim from various sources โ "almost" because I've altered the wording here and there to make the sources unidentifiable, and because I truly mean to make a point about us rather than about them.
Therefore I give you a generic adopting couple vs. Paul and Julie.
| Ward and June | Paul and Julie | |
|---|---|---|
| About Us | Met: Blind date in college Married: 12 years Comment: "We're best friends and true partners in every sense of the word." |
Met: Sketchy online romance-turned-torrid bedbound weekend Married: Three years and change; Julie would have to consult their marriage certificate for the exact date Comment: "I can't believe we've been together for almost ten years and I'm still not sick of him." |
| Introduction | Thank you for taking the time to learn more about us. We appreciate your courage and strength as you consider an adoption plan. We know this is a very difficult time for you. We admire and support you as you face the most important decision of your baby's life. | |
| Occupations | Ward: Pediatrician June: Longtime kindergarten teacher who's chosen to stay at home with the Beaver |
Paul: Writer, Julie: Internet loafer, |
| Home | Four-bedroom clapboard colonial on a quiet tree-lined cul de sac in a neighborhood filled with children. "We have a big sunny bedroom that we can't wait to turn into a cheerful haven for a boy or girl." | Smaller-scale version of the Winchester Mystery House backing on spooky pine woods. Unfinished trim carpentry throughout house. Suspicious stain on carpet immediately outside master bath. Indeterminate number of bedrooms. "I guess I could give up my sewing room..." |
| Family | Ward is one of nine children โ you can be sure his parents, both living, love kids! June, too, is part of a close-knit family. They spend every holiday and birthday together, and often get together just to enjoy each other's company. | Julie to Paul, sotto voce, when his sister is on the phone: "Did you tell her it's not a good time to come visit? No, God, I don't want to talk to her! Don't you give me that phone! Don't you... Oh, hi! Nice to talk to you, too!" |
| Pets | Wise and faithful yellow Lab named Molly, whose obedience training included instruction in basic first aid; safe operation of an automated external defibrillator; and gently but insistently pulling children out of burning houses | Cat who steals Charlie's toys and pointedly drops them into the litter box |
| Community involvement | Ward created a program that serves at-risk teens by teaching them self respect through martial arts instruction, while June spends two weekends a month volunteering at the local food pantry. | Paul gives blood. A lot. All the time. (Hey, free cookies and juice.) Julie smiles at homeless people and never, ever pretends she doesn't see them. |
| Religion | Active in their Christian church, attending services at least once weekly | Avoid houses of worship at all costs, lest they be simultaneously struck by lightning, afflicted with boils, and consumed in a fiery plume of spontaneous human combustion |
| Plans | "We're looking forward to sharing afternoons at the zoo, the circus, or Disney's latest movie with our child." | "Come on, kid, we're going to the grocery store. Yes, again. Now hush and eat the shopping list. You still haven't had your daily ink." |
| Children | One, adopted, "and we thank God and his birthmother for the magnificent gift of being the Beaver's parents." | One, biological, "and we look at him every day and think, Jesus gay, better not try that again." |
But ultimately I know it's not that simple. I know that each woman who considers placing her child with a couple is making an intensely personal decision. I know that her reasons aren't always easily articulated, and that her response can be downright visceral. I also know that no two women are seeking exactly the same qualities, and that the qualities they do seek are much more complicated than "looks happy playing Uno with her nephew," or "has an American flag flying from the porch." I know they don't make choices based solely on five pictures and three paragraphs. Most of all, I know they are smart, I know they are caring, and I know they are to be trusted. So I can often overcome my fear that we might not be on par with the Cleavers in superficial ways.
What I can't overcome is Charlie.
We have a son, a beautiful, beloved son, our biological son. And that's what concerns me most. I try to put myself in the place of a pregnant woman seeking a home for her child, and I just cannot imagine it. If I were in her place, wouldn't I prefer a family in which the other children had been adopted? Or a couple who had no children yet at all? Wouldn't I worry that my child might be treated differently from the firstborn, if not by his adoptive parents then by relatives or friends? Wouldn't I look at a history of superhuman attempts to conceive, and their obvious devotion to their son, and doubt whether adoption is this couple's first and happy choice?
I don't think I could do it. I couldn't place a child with a couple like Paul and me, not because of who we are personally but because of what we are as a family.
I know women who plan to place their babies are smart. They're caring. They are to be trusted. But I can't quite believe one could overcome that, no matter how smart and caring and trustworthy, when there are countless other homes for their children. And how can I intentionally make our family vulnerable to a rejection I'm sure will come?
That's my own issue, I know, little more than a frightened projection. I can't justify it in any way, because I know intellectually that women place their babies with all sorts of families for all sorts of reasons. (Dan Savage got a baby, after all, and he makes his living talking about that frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes a by-product of anal sex.) I don't like this failure of imagination in myself. But I can't deny it, and at the moment I can't move past it.
Aqueduct notwithstanding.
Posted by Julie at 04:09 PM in Mama drama | Permalink
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Comments (151)
Wow. I had never considered the ramifications of having to be "chosen" by a birth mother. It sounds like it would be the ultimate job interview. Make that the worst interviewing experience I could ever imagine. Ugh.
Posted by: Sara at Jan 21, 2006 11:07:16 PM
And there you have it. 90% of the reasons I couldn't bear to put us in "the book."
We were childless, so it had nothing to do with those particular issues you mention, but the rest... well, we ain't union organizers, but we are in our hearts.
In the end, we decided on international adoption (Vietnam) for three main reasons:
1.) We felt like we had an especially keen interest in (and tolerance for all the attendant social worker bullshit trips of) becoming an "international" "intercultural" "interracial" family.
2.) We knew that we could "market" ourselves effectively to domestic birthmothers, but hated the idea of competition. We had confidence in our worthiness, but lost our will in the face of being openly compared to others. Also, we wanted to make way for the would-be adoptive parents who didn't have any interest in international adoption.
3.) We fell in love with Vietnam after seeing a video at the Vietnam program presentation at our agency. Seriously, it was like falling in love with your soulmate. Corny as hell. Fireworks, violins playing, the whole bit. Oh, wait. I think that was actually the 4th of July performance of the 1812 Overture I saw in Boston once.
The whole adoption thing is intensely personal, and yet, not private at all. Everyone involved is flayed open in every imaginable way. Adoption is hard. It was for us. We have no regrets, but I am reminded every day of just how important it was that we went into the process with dumb optimism and full hearts.
Wait. That was marriage. We went into the adoption process with trepidation, resignation, and tearful determination. Plus, we were drunk.
Love you, HW.
Posted by: Mollie at Jan 21, 2006 11:08:31 PM
I'm so glad someone finally SAID it. As much as the long forms where you have to say yes or no to all sorts of disorders, as much as the media-fueled fear of a birth mom changing her mind on us, as much as the expense, I just couldn't face putting myself in that sea of people waiting for babies - and I knew we couldn't compete. Back when we still thought we might start with an infant (instead of the school-aged child we're adopting), we'd planned for my husband to be a SAHD - and I couldn't imagine a birth mom choosing that over a more traditional arrangement. Though I have to say, your point that the man who gave us that LOVELY visual to go with the word "santorum" somehow got a baby does make one go hmmmmm....
Posted by: unexplained at Jan 21, 2006 11:23:02 PM
Love your side by side comparison.
Simply. Love. It.
Avoiding the gut-clenching self advertisement is one of the reasons we chose intl adoption over domestic. I'm not knocking domestic adoption, but for us intl was the way to go. And you want to hear the funny part? 12 months, 800 pounds of paperwork, 3 ulcers, and 6 referral delays later and people still grin and slap me on the back and say "hey at least you chose the easy way!"
There is no easy way, bub. You just pick the way that doesn't wake you up in terror in the middle of the night. That's all.
Posted by: Mary-Mia at Jan 21, 2006 11:26:03 PM
Here's my little story.
I thought the same way - we're average. We're not gorgeous or rich or in any remarkable, except to the people who love us. We joined an adoption agency anyway and put together the requisite photo album, documenting our lives. Had to add a letter to a birthmother. I decided to be the only one who DIDN'T say "we'd be great parents because ..."
And then I started to hear the stories. "the birthmother of our baby was 13, and she chose us because my husband's father looks like her favourite uncle." "Our birthmother chose us because our album has a picture of my wife kissing a pig." We put together pages showing us together, showing us separately, documenting hobbies and church involvement and family ties and all sorts of things.
The girl who chose our album? She chose it because there was a picture of me in a skit, hanging upside off a couch, hair all ratty, dressed in sweats. She wanted to meet someone who would put a picture of herself looking that awful in an album meant to impress.
So go get yourself a picture of Paul looking like someone's uncle, yourself kissing a pig, and both of you looking spotty.
Or ...realize it's as overwhelming for a woman in a crisis pregnancy as it is for you, and whatever it is that is going to set you apart for the woman that is carrying the child you are meant to raise, it will be there.
Posted by: Accidental Poet/Susan at Jan 21, 2006 11:26:59 PM
Your comparison made me giggle. Of course, there are plenty of forms of adoption where you aren't picked by an expectant mother. I adopted my daughter from foster care. And like many other people said here, there is international adoption.
I don't think anyone would pick me either! But then again, a group of social workers picked me to raise my daughter and I could compare my profile to yours to show how less qualified I am! :)
Posted by: usedtobecubbiegirl at Jan 21, 2006 11:29:59 PM
My husband and I had this exact discussion the other night. You see, after having Caitlyn at 25 weeks, for pre e and hellp, and then having 2 miscarriages, (the most recent being this past december) we figured we would kick around the pros and cons of adoption. Because basically, with 3 strikes against me at this point, I am not sure that I am willing to beat my body and psyche up anymore. Not to mention growing another set of testes to tell HELLP that I am going to stare it down one more time.
My biggest con was similar to that of yours, but with a slight twist. Having a biological child of my own, I fear that I would not have that same bond with "someone else's child." Now I know, that child will be "mine." But will I really feel that it is? I can't answer that. So in my eyes it is in no way fair to tell a mother who is putting her child up for adoption that I will be the best parent for that child, when I can't even convince myself at this point.
I have a dear friend who has adopted 2 children, within 1 1/2 years of each other. She tells me all the time that her "motherly instinct" kicked in with them the minute she held them. And being the wonderful friend that I am, I told her of course it did, they're your children. When in my head, I was thinking how could this woman possibly know what a motherly instinct really is when she has never had a child?? Evil bitch that I am.
Eh...point is, I can't bring myself to adopt a child. Not after having one of my own. I can not at this point convince myself that I could love a child that wasn't "of" me.
Posted by: Nancy at Jan 21, 2006 11:30:36 PM
Well, you're right, Julie. You and Paul might wait a bit longer than the average "wait time" for the reason you describe.
But working in the field of domestic adoption for the past 12 years, I have never known an "approved" adoptive couple to *not* have been chosen/placed.
:)
Pam
Posted by: Pam at Jan 21, 2006 11:31:25 PM
Don't even put yourself on the same plane as that savage guy. and did you see what a baby he got? The son of a gutter punk, with fetal alcohol syndrome. I'm so glad the poor baby is getting far better parents than his bio parents, but please... a baby like that you can probably get without competing with all the other worthy couples.
good luck with your decision. And people who say so blithely "why dont you adopt" have no inkling how hard adoption is - in some ways it's even harder than infertility treatment, not to mention more expensive.
Posted by: mindy at Jan 21, 2006 11:38:01 PM
see I'd pick you based purely on your honesty. You KNOW that June is secretly popping percosets with a vodka chaser, and Ward is off looking at www.DDDBoobies.com on the internet.
Seriously.. I'd pick you.
Posted by: BrendaS at Jan 21, 2006 11:40:46 PM
I can identify with this post, totally. We were too old first of all. Late 30s/early 40s. We do have a "lovely home" I guess, just a typical 3 bedroom suburban brick. We have "large friendly bunches of siblings/grandparents".
What we don't have is a background of perfect health. Roger fought cancer for 6 years in the 70s. Plus I went back to work immediately--had to. I think most birth moms want stay at home moms.
I just could not stand the competition; felt like it was high school again and I was running for Prom Queen or something (not that I had any chance to do that, bwahahahahaha)
That's why international adoption was the answer for us.
Posted by: lorrie at Jan 21, 2006 11:41:03 PM
Gosh, I actually like Dan Savage a lot.
Posted by: Julie at Jan 21, 2006 11:41:18 PM
Um, yeah, ditto. Sam and I would never get picked over June and Ward, what with Sam having a deeply inappropriate sense of humor and me being crazy and all.
And I loooooove the Winchester Mystery House.
And...wait, popping percocets with vodka chasers is wrong? Is tequila better?
Posted by: akeeyu at Jan 22, 2006 12:00:44 AM
Mindy, be nice. Don't call other people's babies names.
If it helps at all, I'm a so-far-normal fertility person (yay for being college-age) who plans to have at least one kid come out of me and one not. I think it'd be better to have the one who looks like me come first, just because I don't want the other to think he or she wasn't good enough so I had to try with my own genes.
Which I doubt occurs.
So, yeah, if you're in trouble there I hope to be someday.
Posted by: Diatryma at Jan 22, 2006 12:19:33 AM
just loving you and your writing a whole lot.
Posted by: beaver girl at Jan 22, 2006 1:25:50 AM
Julie - I won't even pretend to know what a birth mother feels or how she makes her decisions. But I think Accidental Poet/Susan nailed it. When D and I were chosing godparents for Polly we thought of who we would choose to be her parents should anything happen to us. We chose not those friends who were cutest, or had the perfect family, or were the richest, etc., but those who touched our souls most deeply and whom we felt could be most generous in spirit with Polly. Although the decision for a birth mother is much, much bigger than the one we made, I can imagine that at least some of them would want to feel a connection of the heart with you. And that, my friend, is not difficult to do.
Oh and Mindy - ouch. When I read what you wrote, I hurt for that baby. I bet DS feels that HE (not the baby) is the lucky onw to have it in his life.
Posted by: Menita at Jan 22, 2006 1:26:34 AM
you know, it's important to consider that birthmoms are just as real and flawed and diverse as the prospective adoptive parents are. (this goes out to everyone.)
i chose the parents for my son because they were the only profile i read that didn't seem so fucking manicured - they absolutely weren't the best looking, and seemed a little more complicated, but definitely seemed like people i could identify with. frankly, the people who bragged on the perfect nursery just ready to go in their house creeped me out and i put them aside instantly. i would have killed for a rabble-rousing communist; the closest i could get was a groundskeeper for a nearby school district who seemed to like rock music and a woman who had a degree in social work but didn't seem to be using it.
for me, siblings were important (as i mentioned in a prior post) - but having children already wasn't the criteria, it was an expressed interest at having a family larger than three. 18 months after jonathan was born, his parents were able to adopt again, as a couple looking to place wanted to find a family that already did have children. it falls together. jonathan's parents were definitely a lot crazier and poorer and more frazzled looking by the time their profile got picked up again, and lo & behold they are now parents to two kids.
and to whomever it was that commented above, i would have been thrilled with a SAHD. chances are great that if you're a parent or parent-to-be considering adoption, and considering a certain lifestyle arrangement as the best way to raise a child, there is a prospective birthmom out there who also thinks that's a fantastic way to raise a child, and looking for parents like you.
Posted by: katie e. at Jan 22, 2006 1:59:19 AM
I can understand how you feel, because adoption isn't for everyone and if you're not feeling like you can love an adopted baby like a biological baby, then maybe adoption isn't the answer for you. I know it wasn't for me, either. But if you are considering it, know that birth mothers would probably be thrilled to have someone like you, smart, funny, dedicated to being a mom, and not the perfect manicured June Cleaver type. I know two different birthmoms quite well. Both worked for me, both were highly educated single women in their 30's that decided not to keep their sons. Both of them chose out of the ordinary families because they didn't want their kids raised in a typical suburban minivan soccer family. I think there are probably a lot of birthmothers out there that feel the same way.
But again, if it doesn't feel RIGHT, then don't persue it until it does.
Posted by: margalit at Jan 22, 2006 2:12:35 AM
First off, if you decide to pursue adoption, there would be a potential birthmother who would pick you. Precisely because you are not the Cleavers, precisely because of the way you worship Charlie. There would be something about you that she would hone in on, and go "wow, those people are exactly who I can see raising my child." It's like finding a mate. There is the right birthfamily for the right adoptive family.
Our daughter's birthparents chose us specifically because we weren't the Cleavers. We made them laugh in our letter. The first card we sent them was a Far Side cartoon. We had qualities the other families didn't. We clicked. Our adoption has been a wonderful, beautiful experience. We are heading into our 15th year together as one family. I have two biological children and two children through adoption. I love all of them for unique reasons. The birthfamilies know this.
Like I said, if you decide to pursue adoption - I think it will be wonderful. Good luck no matter what you choose.
Posted by: Lisa V at Jan 22, 2006 2:18:18 AM
Under "hobbies", we were going to put, "We enjoy doing the crossword together, because neither one of us is bright enough to do it alone."
Posted by: Kathleen at Jan 22, 2006 3:16:56 AM
You guys should really read Dan Savage's book about his adoption before jumping on him (and worse, his child). It's both hysterically funny and heartbreaking. From everything I've read since I read his book, my impression is that he and his partner are terrific parents.
The child did not have fetal alcohol syndrome, btw. He was worried because the mother drank before she knew she was pregnant, and the other couples rejected her because of that. However, she stopped drinking as soon as she knew she was pregnant, and apparently she didn't overindulge even when she didn't know she was pregnant.
Posted by: dan savage fan at Jan 22, 2006 3:46:51 AM
Thanks, DS fan. In case I need to clarify, I included a reference to Savage's adoption because I was impressed by his story, not because I felt he and his partner were undeserving.
But I hope I don't need to clarify.
Posted by: Julie at Jan 22, 2006 7:03:17 AM
If you're not feeling like you can love an adopted baby like a biological baby, then maybe adoption isn't the answer for you.
Pretty big leap there, margalit...
Posted by: Julie at Jan 22, 2006 7:11:23 AM
I think someone would pick you and paul. Someone like you. i think all you would have to do would be to give the birthmom the URL to your blog and let her see your journey to have Charlie. And then what you went through after he was born. You two qualify as amazing parents. If I were a birthmother, I would want someone like you, not the Cleaver thing, which scares me because the more perfect a family looks on the outside, the more twisted it tends to be underneath. I would choose real people with good hearts over Cleavers any day.
Posted by: kathleen999 at Jan 22, 2006 7:31:30 AM
I was wary of domestic adoption, not so much because of the "book," but because there was no guarantee that you would ever get picked. You could be on that list a month, a year, or ten years. Also, I figured that if we were honest about our lack of religious affiliation, there were very few birth parents who would go for us. Only a committed atheist would see that as a plus.
International adoption has its own set of qualifications, and it is very very expensive, but once you've chosen your program and passed the homestudy it is surprisingly stress-free, as long as you are with a reputable agency. You have a timeline and then you wait it out, and then roughy at the expected time, give or take a month, you're matched with a baby. The homestudy is not that invasive--at least, no one would reject you for church non-attendance, lackluster housekeeping skills, etc. I have a friend, though, who couldn't do adoption because of the homestudy. She hated the thought of justifying herself to some stranger. It didn't bother me that much the first time, but it did get to me the second time.
There are a lot of other social, emotional, and financial issues that come along with international adoption, so I don't want to give you any assvice, but just share my experience as far as the selection process is concerned.
Paul is a union organizer? So cool...it has always been my dream to organize Wal-Mart!
Posted by: Denise at Jan 22, 2006 8:12:43 AM
"Mindy, be nice. Don't call other people's babies names."
I didnt call him names.... read the interview, Dan himself called the baby's mother that.
My point was, that for a child from a messed up homeless mother, she doesn't have to compete that badly. Depends what kind of background of a baby she is interested in.
Posted by: mindy at Jan 22, 2006 8:21:12 AM
Julie, it's a slow process, this warming up to adoption. I was ready after my PGD-IVF cycle failed (September 2004), but my husband could NOT imagine adopting. No WAY. So, he pressured me into a donor egg cycle that I really felt sick about doing, I just would rather have adopted a child.
But, marriage is a partnership, and he wanted it soooo badly, so I caved. The cycle failed, yada, yada, flash forward another year, and all the while I've been showing him pictures of little Guatemalan babies, telling him stories of my friends who adopted domestically, etc.
So, after a few more doors closed on us, husband was now ready for adoption. And the more he got into the paperchase, he really started looking forward to it, and man, when we got the referral pictures, he was smitten. We are now 100% certain that these are our children already, and we have no doubt we will love them as if they sprang from my stupid, useless womb.
We did consider domestic, but he was scared of an open adoption. However, not all birthmothers want an open adoption, most want semi-open, which means updates and pictures sent to the adoption agency acting as intermediary.
And, in domestic, there are facilitators out there who know of situations where birthmothers make their adoption plans last minute, they may only want a few profiles to review, and BAM, suddenly you're driving across state lines to pick up your newborn. It can happen that fast.
I loved reading your post, because it illustrates that adoption is HARD. Way harder than getting knocked up the old fashioned way, and harder in some ways than doing IVF and going through a risky pregnancy. But with all the doubts, fears, and difficulties aside, it's the only way we could build our family at this point, and we are so very happy and lucky that we are able to do this.
Sorry for my rambling post!
Posted by: erica at Jan 22, 2006 8:24:19 AM
I think you're right on the money -- you have to figure out if you're going to add to your family before you decide how. When I read back through my archives I say no way to adoption while I was still trying to figure out whether or not we'd have a second kid. I was jumping the gun to consider it just yet.
I've recommended it before on my blog maybe here but the book Maybe One is fabulous and encouraging and has tons of blog fodder. It's about the positives of having an only child based on research and I found it really really helpful. What I realized after reading it was that Noah was fine and he would be fine so it really came down to what *I* wanted and I knew I wanted another baby but didn't want more treatment so that's how I found myself at adoption.
Wherever you guys end up it'll be good because you are smart, loving people who will figure out exactly the right thing to do and when. Meanwhile please smooch on that Charlie for me!!!
Posted by: Dawn at Jan 22, 2006 9:40:07 AM
I'm in the middle of doing our family profile for our agency to show to birth parents, and let's not kid ourselves - this is HARD, and brings up so many fears. But ultimately we need to be the right family for only one of them. And all of those families with their beautiful homes and ability to stay at home with their babies WILL someday make incredible adoptive parents, but I think many birth parents just want someone to raise their kid the way they would if their circumstances were better.
And of course, as people have pointed out already, there are other great paths to adoption besides open domestic adoption.
Posted by: Marisa at Jan 22, 2006 10:12:20 AM
as people keep saying "i think birth moms/parents want ..." i'd strongly encourage you to 1) pay attention to the birthmoms who post on blogs like these, and 2) seek out birthmom/parent blogs, because for all the assumptions made here here about what birthmoms want, i've only very rarely spoken with birthparents whose choices matched these assumptions.
Posted by: katie e. at Jan 22, 2006 10:22:42 AM
Good point, Katie thanks. I want to make it clear that I know what I get hung up on is my issue, with no obvious grounding in reality.
It's all in my head. Unfortunately, I spend a lot of time there.
Posted by: Julie at Jan 22, 2006 10:28:58 AM
To add to Katie's point:
there's a blogging birth moms web ring out there (thanks, Dawn, for the tip-off!). You can get there by going to http://www.ringsurf.com/netring?ring=birthmothers;action=list
Posted by: Marisa at Jan 22, 2006 10:56:27 AM
Hi Julie,
I know diddly squat about adoption in general, and even less about the adoption process in the US.
But I just wanted to say that if I were a birth mother I would take one look at happy, healthy, cherished Charlie and think that you were exactly the sort of parents I'd want to raise my child.
You guys have a track record and that must count for a lot surely?
Pxx
Posted by: Lulu at Jan 22, 2006 11:18:43 AM
LOVED the post Julie, and I also thought that Accidental Poet/Susan's response was wonderful. I just know that someone would see how funny and kind you are and choose you, vomit and all.
I have never adopted but a friend has three biological children and one adopted and maintains that they are loved just the same, although I certainly see your concern about his/her treatment by others. If it helps, my biological children are treated differently by their family members in many ways by virtue of the fact that they are just different people. Right now, my three year old daughter is with my mother having a weekend alone. They have a special relationship and I guess she might be "favored" so to speak - at first I was aggravated by this (she seemed to favor my daughter over my son, I thought just for being a girl) but I've come to accept it. And my son kniows that my daughter is with my mother this weekend - he thought it was great that he got more of us to himself and had no jealousy whatsoever. Simply put, they've developed their own relationships with her (and everyone else around them) and why should I expect them to be treated the same? They are NOT the same people, after all.
One question did occur to me while I was reading your post though - if you DID apply to adopt domestically, do you ever disclose this website for prospective birth mothers to read? Before choosing you? After?
Posted by: Lisa S (et al), aka Stolidoli at Jan 22, 2006 11:31:47 AM
Oh boy, I could have written this (though it wouldn't have been as funny). Five months into a high-risk donor egg pregnancy, we're simultaneously praying that we get to take this baby home, and wondering if and how we'll add to our family. I worry about domestic adoption for the same reason you do; I can't imagine a birthmother choosing us - with our tiny city condo, our lack of church ties and our Herculean efforts to have a biological child - over the many wonderful couples out there. Everyone here makes great points, but I guess you have to wrap your mind around it first.
Posted by: Karen at Jan 22, 2006 11:39:12 AM
Funny to hear how people think international adoption guarantees no contact or interaction with birthfamily. It's a dangerous and sometimes racist assumption that points at how little we think of birthfamily rights from developing nations. Why be paranoid about an American birthmom but shrug off a Vietnamese or Guatemalan birthmom? Is it because families are banking on the slim odds of a poor, farmgirl showing up at their door? (I don't like the word peasant...are we not beyond feudal times?)
For some families who've adopted from Vietnam, this idea has come around and hit them pretty hard as birthfamily have been able to contact them through mail and amazingly enough, through email. Agencies and adoption books don't prepare families for that possibility....of "you've got mail from your kid's Vietnamese mom." They usually ask for the same thing that American birthmothers do....photos, information, and sometimes financial assistance. Some parents welcome the contact, others even went with Vietnam specifically for this "semi-open" experience. Few though know how to navigate the relationships since resources tend to be about "saving" babies, versus what to do with your first world privilege and guilt.
Explaining your child's relinquishment situation, international or domestic, can already be complicated. But throw in how to talk about birthfamily beyond simplistic, romantic, missionary terminology and the possibility of trafficking (very real for Vietnam and Cambodia), then it should give prospective adoptive parents some pause. Then there's attachment disorder from institutionalization, cultivating a positive racial -ethnic identity, making sure your kid doesn't feel like a charity project (an adult adoptee's experience, not just my words), and on.
Adoption's doable but like any type of parenting, hard work. Only with international adoption you'll find some very hard issues to tackle, many of which agencies never really cover since they're in it to complete the adoption and not necessarily help you once the kid's home. There's little money to be had in post-adoption services.... Who knew that international adoption would require a good sense of cultural+racial awareness as well as global economics? Agencies and governments doen't require it but the kids sure deserve it.
Posted by: Linh at Jan 22, 2006 12:01:31 PM
We've been talking cautiously about adoption, international adoption is not that common in the UK and there are good reasons why we aren't sure it's for us. But having been jealous of the US situation (it seems more flexible on parental age, and there are actually babies available), I am now actually feeling better about the UK situation (relatively easy to get under-5s but nigh impossible to get newborns, however it is an agency that decides if you are suitable AND who to match you with). It just seems less personal than having the birth mother choose...
Posted by: katie at Jan 22, 2006 12:03:26 PM
From the perspective of the adopted child:
My sister and I are both adopted. I think my parents were quicker to warm to the idea of adoption because of a lack of other options available to them at the time. My parents were on "the waiting list" for a fairly short time before I was placed with them-- a couple with only a high school education (vo-tech in my father's case), no money, a tiny house in a very blue collar neighborhood, and an extended family that makes Roseanne look like Leave it to Beaver by comparison. If my parents, who look like a terrible placement on paper, could get a child... And the thing is, I could not have asked for a better family. Not once in my life did I ever question that my parents loved me.
A few years later, my sister was placed with our family. Both of us were considered "non-traditional" placements: me, because I was born at 29 weeks; my sister because she was nearly a year old before she was placed with the agency for adoption. My parents' willingness to accept these "less desireable" placements cut their waiting time significantly. It worked out well for all of us. :)
As I've gotten older, I've gained a greater than ever appreciation for the emotional journey that both my birthmother and my parents went through. I've never felt as though I've missed out on something because I'm adopted and my parents don't either. I don't for a second believe that it's because they don't know any better. The fact that we arrived by a different route than normal doesn't really register as a conscious fact, it doesn't have any effect on my life, on my interaction with my extended family, on my perception of myself and my place in the family. It's only when something else reminds me that I even think about it.
I also know that adoption isn't necessarily the right choice for everyone, just as being a parent isn't necessarily the right choice for everyone. So maybe everything I've just written is utterly irrelevant to all of you and a waste of space on Julie's blog. My apologies if this is the case. But I thought maybe it might be interesting for some of you, since there are birthparents and adoptive parents and prospective adoptive parents represented in the comments already.
OK, I'm shutting up now.
Posted by: katze at Jan 22, 2006 12:11:05 PM
"and did you see what a baby he got? The son of a gutter punk, with fetal alcohol syndrome. I'm so glad the poor baby is getting far better parents than his bio parents, but please... a baby like that you can probably get without competing with all the other worthy couples."
Wow. What a horrible thing to say. A baby "like that"? I adopted my daughter from foster care. She's the daughter of people who committed crimes and made bad choices. She was drug exposed in utero.
BUT SHE IS PERFECT. She's beautiful and funny and smart and silly and loving and great.
I'd compete against a million people for the chance to raise her. Matter of fact, I did compete to raise her. I had to submit a very similiar profile to what Julie was talking about. It went up to a panel with all the other parents who wanted to raise her.
My child is not a "poor baby" or a "baby like that."
Posted by: usedtobecubbiegirl at Jan 22, 2006 12:15:55 PM
Thanks, cubbiegirl. Of course she's not.
Posted by: Julie at Jan 22, 2006 12:29:06 PM
Hey Julie--Maybe you could raffle a quilt in exchange for 9 months of uterus rent! LOL
All joking aside, you'll know the right situation for your family. The answer may not come today--but it will come. I think most of us in cyber land have a few regrets over some of our choices. I know for myself I did the best I could with the information I had at the time.
In the meantime--you are very blessed indeed!
Posted by: Tammy at Jan 22, 2006 12:48:02 PM
Once again, you've done it. You've managed to explain what I haven't been able to touch. The reason that my husband and I don't leap fearlessly into the process of domestic adoption. We love our son so tremendously. Our home is a shrine of carefully preserved pictures of the boy, littered with the evidence of many long days of play. Any potential pregnant mother would have to wonder, "where will my child fit in? WILL my child fit in?"
For us, the matter is even more complex. We fit squarely into the secondary infertility. We have been trying to have a second child, biologically, for two years now. This is something about which we'd have to be honest with a prospective mother. And it would look, to her, like we'd just given up. Like adoption was the "plan B". No matter how perfectly we narrate the plan in our hearts, it might leave a potential mother feeling like her baby would be a consolation prize for us. How do you say "please believe us, we have always wanted to adopt!" without sounding desperate?
Posted by: Abby at Jan 22, 2006 1:55:30 PM
Thank you cubbiegirl! I have been steaming up over here trying to think of what to say in reply to that comment but you said it perfectly as usual.
Posted by: Amy at Jan 22, 2006 1:59:23 PM
if you decide to adopt internationally, adopt me. I am 44, I live two oceans away, married, infertile (though currently pregnant with my 1st). I even have a job! Julie, i have been follwing your blog forever but this comparative presentation made me laugh so hard my belly aches. Please pick me. I will be good, I will even come to marches with you and get arrested and everything. Just don't give me to the Cleavers. I am very, very scared of the Cleavers.
Posted by: maria at Jan 22, 2006 2:00:58 PM
Well said - adoption is also a difficult and sometimes lengthy road. When a friend was going through domestic, another friend that was pg said "well, she's got it easy" - yeah, not so much. It's a very emotional process as well (as ivf/pg), you may not have all of the hormones "raging", but it's still a ride. Thank you.
Posted by: T at Jan 22, 2006 3:00:16 PM
not that i would really know, but if i were a woman looking to place my child, i would probably choose you guys over the Cleavers. i have an inherent suspicion of squeaky-clean ultra-Christian families, and would only picture my child being sexually abused by Ward or beaten and locked in a closet with NO WIRE HANGERS by June. possibly judgemental of me, but that's how i'd look at it. they seem too perfect--i'd wonder what they're hiding. you, meanwhile, are honest about your limitations and shortcomings. you're honest and real in how you present yourself. i would maybe wonder about the stain outside the master bedroom, but could rest assured that i knew what the environment i was sending my child into really was like. not so with the Cleavers.
however, i thought all this, and then read your insightful paragraphs about the IVF / bio issue, and i have to admit you do have a point.
Posted by: Beth at Jan 22, 2006 3:05:44 PM
and after reading through the comments...
mindy, i simply can't believe what you've said. i mean...you think that adoption agencies have a "bargain bin" where they put the babies "like that", and they give them to "people like" dan savage for half price? you think they list, like, Gold Babies who are from, say, white middle class parents, for whom the competition is more rigorous, and then Silver Babies, maybe from otherwise healthy but single mothers (can't have that!!), and so on...and that Dan Savage's baby was, I don't know, a Super Deal baby? like dan savage was only eligible for the Super Deal program, where they put the leftover children of gutterpunks with fetal alcohol syndrome? based on what, his credit report or something?
i just can't believe you've expressed these ideas out loud. really. i think you should be embarrassed.
Posted by: Beth at Jan 22, 2006 3:19:31 PM
Abby:
I once read in "Adoption For Dummies" that 90 percent of all couples who adopt are infertile. So I imagine that birth mothers are used to this.
Posted by: Carol at Jan 22, 2006 3:29:23 PM
This is in response to Linh:
We adopted our son from Vietnam, through a very respected agency in Minnesota, four and a half years ago. We did not choose international adoption because we wanted to avoid contact with birth parents or birth families. Quite the contrary.
We wanted a baby, like most first-time parents, and knew there were more than enough families waiting in line for domestic (read: white) babies in the U.S. We didn't see ourselves as "rescuers," and always hated it when people would tell us how brave and selfless we were for giving a "poor child a home."
After looking carefully at all of our options through the agency, we learned more about and fell in love with Vietnam, and the prospect of raising a child who had been born there and needed a loving family.
I may sound flip about "inter-cultural" and "inter-racial", but I am not at heart. We didn't just bring our son into our family, we brought his beautiful birth country, and the wonderful people who cared for him there until we could take the responsibility for being his parents home with us, and talk about all of it with our son frequently.
I would have loved to have been part of an open adoption. I love the idea of more people to love the child I am raising, and to provide that physical link to genetic background for my kid. Some of the families who adopted in our group were misguided. They had already come up with lies to tell their children-to-be: "Your birth mommy was a college student! Your birth daddy was an engineer!" They thought this would help their children to have high self-esteem. I winced and tried to let it go. When these families received actual information about their child's birth families, including the background & ages of parents, siblings, grandparents, etc., they were wholly unprepared and uncomfortable with having the "burden" of the truth.
For us, the only background we got about our son's parents was this: he was born in the hospital in Vinh Long; his mother gave a false name, and left him there to be cared for. We were told it wasn't uncommon, but becoming more so, as openness and acceptance begin to replace shame. Not soon enough for our son, or for us, but for others. WE MOURN THE FACT THAT WE HAVE NO CONTACT WITH OR KNOWLEDGE OF OUR SON'S BIRTH MOTHER OR BIRTH FAMILY. And we dream of being "found" someday.
Sorry to shout, but you touched a nerve.
Posted by: Mollie at Jan 22, 2006 3:43:37 PM
That is one of the reasons i wasn't ready to move to adoption. International adoption doesn't feel right to us for several reasons. And I thought we would never get picked by a birth family. I have a mental illness (OCD). While it should not effect raising a child, who would pick the "crazy" one when there are so many more "normal" people to pick from?
Posted by: Jenn at Jan 22, 2006 4:26:36 PM
