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01/19/2006
Cliffs Notes
Thank you, every one of you, for your thoughtful comments on my last entry. This discussion is tremendously helpful to me, and I've read and considered each of your messages carefully. Not just huh-that's-interesting carefully; more like woke-up-at-4-AM-and-couldn't-get-back-to-sleep carefully. Many of you touched on issues I hadn't even realized I cared about; many of you made me stab the air with an excited index finger, yelping, "Yes! That's it exactly!" Some of them I want to discuss in greater detail, and will come back to later when my air-stabbing finger isn't quite so worn out from the repetitive stress of acknowledging your collective brilliance.
I recognize that not all of you will be able to spare the time to read the comments in the entirety, so I've put together a compendium of the ones I found especially thought provoking. Except Tertia's, which is there because, well, you know, I always feel so sorry for the poor thing.
I've edited these for length; you can see the full version of each below the original post
Going thru ART has turned my head to mush and my heart to mulch. Sometimes I'm convinced the only reason I want two is because it appears I can't have two.
— DD
I'm infertile and don't have a child yet. I was always pretty sure I wanted one and definitely sure I wanted one at a time. However, in order to get one I have to risk ending up with two, three or even more - and simultaneously at that. How's that for irony?
— Liz
Lately, even the sweetest moments also carry the pang that this, too will end someday. There will be a last time that I'll have to get up and comfort him in the middle of the night... that he'll jabber excitedly to see me... that he'll sit on my lap. I suppose having another will only delay the inevitable. But god, how I want to.
— Jul
Completing my family (according to MY definition of complete) matters to me more than the heartbreak and the turmoil caused by all this damn drama.
— Leggy
At what point am I willing to sacrifice things now to try to have another child? Do I really want Sophie to see her mother cry over yet another miscarriage? Do I want to have to explain miscarriage? Or broken dreams?
— Jen P
After my oldest son, the preeclampsia, NICU, and his severe disabilities, I was ready to raise him as an only child, but secretly wished to do it again, make it all end differently. Sadly, I couldn't enjoy my second pregnancy or even most of my second son's first year. That first experience scarred too deeply.
— Mete
I have decided not to decide at all. This course of action seems risky to an infertile, I know (we are programmed to move continually forward towards our respective goals), but there is nothing else I can do right now.
— Diana
I'm just really loving having an older child and looking forward to the big kid adventures. I think we will have so much fun with just the three of us.
— Sleeky
As for more kids being able to help in ones old age, I just don't see that as the norm. In most families I know, one sibling winds up being responsible for the care of the parents (and it's usually a daughter.) Further, my mother, who is an only child, said she felt relieved when making decisions for her elderly parents that there were not siblings around to argue with her, as she saw quite a few times in hosptials and hospice.
— KathleenC
When we had our first daughter, we felt like a couple plus a baby, but now that we have the second, we've started to feel like a family.
— marta
I think about the future when my parents are gone and not having anyone to mourn their loss with the way a sibling would.
— Beth
We look at our friends with 1 and they and their child generally look happy. Those of our friends with 2 look like chaos has taken over and the mothers usually look exhausted and not terribly happy.
— Nicole
To spend money on treatments when we could be spending it on her, her education, family trips, making our futures secure...I'm not sure I could have done that without regrets.
— Kate
However I ultimately achieve number one, I am tempted to only have that one because I want to have that closeness and friendship with a child that I have enjoyed with my own parents.
— J, an only child
It takes a lot of work to raise a decent human being.
— Tam
i usually say, "Bad things happened on the way to the baby, and then bad things happened when we had the baby."
— Kelly, when asked about having a second child
Going through IF/IVF for so long just robbed me of so much happiness and faith in the world - I don't want to be that person as a mother.
— Penelope
I always wanted two. The reason being, I am far too neurotic for one child to have to deal with: If I had two, I could spread it around.
— Chris
siblings were important enough to me that when i found myself pregnant during my freshman year of college, when i was 19, it was a major factor in my move to make an adoption plan for my baby.
— katie e.
Do I want another child? Yes, so much that it makes my heart ache. Would it be responsible of me? Absolutely not.
— Anon
My two cents on the "only child" stereotyping is that it all stems from the jealousy that parents of >1 feel when they see parents of onlies who are able to parent the way they *want* to - as opposed to the way they have to - because we all have a finite supply of time, money and energy.
— Jean
I feel like my memories will be lost because that sibling that does not exist whom I have missed all my life will never be there. So I say screw sharing, sibling rivalry and spoiling: there would have been nothing better in life than to not be alone.
— Malin, an only child
I have a brother, and he is the only person who understands why I am the way I am, because he was raised with me. I want my son to have that opportunity.
— Kara
My husband says he couldn't bear to watch another baby in the NICU with IVs planted deep inside her head.
— Nicole
I know there is that whole "might die" thing, I really don't want you to die. Not all the time, anyway.
— Tertia
Don't know why there is such pressure to have two. Shouldn't one miracle be enough? I am not at all religious, but I once asked a friend of mine who has one daughter whether she planned to have another child. She said, I feel like that would be saying to God, "This isn't enough." How could you ever look at your child and say that?
— Kristin
We've had enough drama in our lives in the past few years. We just want to enjoy it all now.
— Robin
If you are asking if, knowing what I know now, would I do the same thing all over again? There are days when the answer, to be completely honest, would be no. But those are really very few and far between. I feel far more often that I would have missed one of the greatest adventures of my life.
— Kel
If I were you, honestly, I would never even consider having another biological child with your and his health problems. I can't understand why so many commenters on here, who have had dangerous pregnancies and are at the age when pregnancy is risky, would ever consider having another biological child.
— anon - usually not anon
If it doesn't come easily people want you to justify your desire for another child. I can't. I want one for me. [...] Also, if I'm honest I want to see if I can do it better next time around.
— LEB
Before I knew I was infertile, I thought two (one girl, one boy, of course) would be perfect. The girl first then the boy. Yes, when you think you can have babies easily, you also have the audacity to wish for a certain birth order.
— Summer
It wasn't an easy decision to cycle again. I was agonizing over the decision with one of my friends when she said, "If you could just get pregnant, without IVF, would you?" I immediately and without hesitation said, "Of course!" I guess what that showed me is that I was letting the infertility stand in the way of my decision.
— Laura
My biggest fear was not raising a selfish child, but raising a precocious misfit who could only relate to adults, because I have seen too many treasured only children that are just that.
— Susan
I think all the bullshit about only kids not being able to adjust well is, umm, bullshit...I always felt loved and I know my parents were able to give me wonderful opportunities in life because there was only one child. [...] Sometimes I wished I had a sister or brother to play with...but it seemed like my friends spent a lot of time fighting with their siblings. And I was glad when my friends had to go home and I had my space to myself again.
— Viking Zen
What I wish is that I could have a pregnancy like other people did, free of stress, hospitalizations and a lot of fear. My pregnancy was so fraught with anxiety and strife that I never had a chance to enjoy one second of it. I hate that.
But then again, I've got my kids and I'm so blessed and so lucky and so happy with them, whatever else happened seems a lot less important, overall.
— Margalit
Whether or not a family has one child or more than one child is not the only factor in how the children and the family as a whole turn out.
— Sarah
I am an only child and if not for the persistence of my ex-husband and ex-in-laws, I would have been perfectly content with one child. The one I heard the most was "Don't do that to your son." All the while thinking to myself, "Do WHAT, exactly?"
— Paula
I've come to the point where I'm almost more terrified of the next IVF working than I am of it failing. I've managed to convince myself that my eggs are such damaged goods that nothing positive can come of any pregnancy I might manage to achieve, and I'll live to rue the day that I ever tried. It's a rotten way to decide that you'd rather have just the one.
— Lynn
While the logistics [of ART] are much harder the 2nd time around, I found it MUCH easier to bear the losses & disappointments and it was much harder to dwell on them or wallow in self pity. Partly because you're frankly too busy to think about it, and partly because, well, the absolute worst case is something that's already pretty awesome, right?
— Mary
I truly do admire the optimism that comes along with even thinking you have any control over such things as family size.
— Lisa
It is a form of hell on earth for a husband who nearly lost his wife to watch her go through another pregnancy. So this is something that both partners need to be 100% comfortable with.
— Catherine
Nothing compares to the drugged joy of your firstborn. But for me, having a second made me...better.
— Kira
I responded to my infertility diagnosis with stubborn spite, and a renewed drive to have two children--what I'd always wanted. Just as I wasn't willing to compromise on having children, period, I wasn't willing to compromise on the number, either.
— Jen
I felt safe with my little 3 person family and suddenly now I feel in danger of it all collapsing into unknown problems and issues that we wouldn't have faced with just one child.
— Susan
I want to enjoy every stage of my son's growing up. I think almost inevitably when you have a newborn, you "miss" the corresponding stage that the older child is going through, and every day with DS is too much fun to want to be distracted from it.
— emmaps
To try to have another seems like such a risk, to some degree physically but much more so emotionally. I am deeply afraid of trying again (of m/c, of something being Terribly Wrong), and deeply afraid of not trying again.
— Shelley
What I am trying to do is remind myself to enjoy the here and now. I wasted so many years of my life while chasing my dream of a child that I don't want to waste any moments with her now that she is here.
My dream was to have three. I am so blessed to have one.
The rest will just fall into place.
— Amanda
Posted by Julie at 11:10 AM in Mama drama | Permalink
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Tracked on Jan 20, 2006 9:41:15 AM
Comments (80)
I didn't have time to think of a response earlier, but I've noticed that a lot of only children are mentioning their own experiences, and some LOVED it, and some were very very lonely. I think that's much more down to who they are, than to the presence or absence of a sibling. My only sister is 9 years older than I am, my parents had two miscarriages on the way to making me. In some ways they had two onlies in a row, she was solo for the first 9 years, and I learned to play alone, and had my parents mostly to myself from age 9 when she moved out. Since we were pretty far apart in age we didn't relate the way a lot of siblings do, but we're still sisters.
I was lonely for a lot of my childhood, but that's not because my sister was "too old" or because of my parents, that's just me, I'm a lonely person! I wouldn't trade the way my family worked out.
Posted by: Rosemary Grace at Jan 19, 2006 11:48:45 AM
Malin wrote.....I feel like my memories will be lost because that sibling that does not exist whom I have missed all my life will never be there.
I had a younger brother who died at age 27 yrs and I often think about the fact that the person who knew me the best is no longer here. That is one of the factors I can't let go of in my decision to parent another child.
Posted by: Julia at Jan 19, 2006 12:06:05 PM
You really hit on something there, Rosemary Grace... I had two younger sisters and was STILL frequently lonely as a child. My desire to have another child, in addition to being for my own gratification, is really intended to benefit my son later in life. Siblings - and, let me just make a gross generalization here, especially FEMALE siblings - are frequently an adult "safety net". I had to take one sister to a local hospital's psych ward last year. We're preparing to stage an intervention to address the other one's drug habit. It's rough... extremely rough. Yet I'm still glad my parents had multiple children, just so we COULD (given opportunity and having sufficient backbone)be there for one another.
Posted by: Jul at Jan 19, 2006 12:16:56 PM
i'm too lazy (!) to go back and see who said it, but the person who wrote that with one child she felt like a couple with one, but with two she felt like a family had an insight that really resonates for me. that combined with the feeling that i wanted my son to have a sibling to go through life with was what convinced me i needed to try again.
a side issue, surely, but one worth recognizing, is that it was actually harder for me to wait for #2 than it was waiting for #1 (understanding, of course, that my infertility treatments were very limited by comparison) because the ambivalence of becoming a parent for the first time no longer existed. i knew all the good things that come with parenthood and i couldn't wait to do it again.
Posted by: moxiemomma at Jan 19, 2006 12:28:25 PM
Those are all just beautiful, and all are true. I'm weeping.
Posted by: kate at Jan 19, 2006 12:29:35 PM
I was sort of a weird child, and I cannot count the number of times I have been grateful to have my brother, because he is cut from the cloth of our childhood as well. Having someone with whom understanding comes easily is wonderful--even if we fought like wild dogs when we were young, and even if we don't always get along now. Also, when my mom was in the hospital recently, I got a glimpse of what things may be like some day in the future, and I was glad that I was not an only child.
That said, since the infertility and the miscarriages, I have seriously considered having only one myself, depending on how difficult (and expensive, unfortunately) it turns out to be to have the first.
I don't want my life to be about what I *don't* have for any longer than necessary, if that makes sense.
Posted by: Alexa at Jan 19, 2006 1:05:33 PM
First of all, thank you for an incredibly moving post. I didn't respond earlier, but some of these responses really strike chords within me. I am not infertile but had two very bad births, and now my husband and I are warily beginning to speak of whether we should try again. (The 'form of hell' post by Catherine really hit home.) Our doctor has casually suggested we don't, a specialist said maybe. I am willing to risk it - my husband, not so much so.
The truth is, while my first is the best thing I have ever done, his little sister is the best thing we could have ever done for him and our family.
'It's just because this one's so good' - you really hit it there.
Posted by: daysgoby at Jan 19, 2006 1:12:20 PM
I really don’t want to sound like an ass here but I probably will. . .
I agree with this comment . . .
Don't know why there is such pressure to have two. Shouldn't one miracle be enough? I am not at all religious, but I once asked a friend of mine who has one daughter whether she planned to have another child. She said, I feel like that would be saying to God, "This isn't enough." How could you ever look at your child and say that?
— Kristin
Really it bothers me when I see people and read blogs about people with "secondary IF". I mean really they are so caught up in having ANOTHER to enjoy the one that they already have. It seems like such a waste to go thru all the heartache, drama, bullshit, illness and money to not enjoy. I say enjoy the one that you have you worked your ass off for him. Plus I think the idea that you must have more than 1 child to be a "family" is old fashion and bull shit. And the person who said that when they had one they were a couple with a baby and now that they have 2 they are a family, that's sad. To think the # of people = a family really?? So to say if you never have another child you will never have a family? I just don’t agree with that.
I happen to be an only child, and yeah sometimes I wish maybe I had a sibling but I know people with sibling that wished they were an only child. My husband has a brother and he didn’t really get to "know" him till they were both in there 20's.
Sorry for the long winded post. I'm usually a lurker, go figure LoL
D
Posted by: Danie'L at Jan 19, 2006 1:13:17 PM
I was a very lucky half only child! I have half siblings who are 9 and 13 years younger, so I grew up alone. My parents were divorced so I got to stay an only child to my mother and then have little siblings at my dad's. Even though I lived with them during high school, I never had close relationships with my siblings until now - my sister is now 21 and lives on the same coast as me and it is lovely to have her.
That said, I loved being an only child. Having siblings didn't make me less selfish or spoiled (in fact, I developed a creepy inability to share food because my parents always let my sister eat off my plate...). And being an only didn't make me neurotic all on its own - my parents and my innate nature would have done that whether they had been married or not, with siblings or not.
As most of us who read this blog are younger, I think we think of that time when our parents will die with a lot of fear and without information about what that will be like, and we think of our kids facing our own death the same way. My mother died when I was 20. She was single and it was just me (and my grandmother to some degree) taking care of her. It was hell. But I guarantee you it would not have been less of a hell even if I had siblings to help. It's just hell. No matter what.
Posted by: bri at Jan 19, 2006 1:29:21 PM
I disagree so much with what Danie'L said above (and also Kristen). I think it minimizes what people go through to fulfill a dream. It means that you love being parent enough to share it with another child. Also, "different strokes for different folks" as they say. Just because a family feels complete with one child doesn't mean that there's something wrong with pursuing #2 or 3 for another family. It's a very personal decision. I also don't like the implication that secondary IF is crap just because you should take your one kid and shut up. If I want a second child and I'm having trouble having one does that mean I have NO RIGHT to continuing the pursuit? I adore my son and I'm not so "caught up" in trying to have another that I don't enjoy him. I think that childless folks would say something similar about "enjoying what you have" to a someone experiencing primary infertility. It's a matter of perspective. My only real point is that everyone has the right to pursuit of happiness and that means different things to different people.
Posted by: LizM at Jan 19, 2006 1:33:49 PM
Bri said: My mother died when I was 20. She was single and it was just me (and my grandmother to some degree) taking care of her. It was hell. But I guarantee you it would not have been less of a hell even if I had siblings to help. It's just hell. No matter what.
I agree with this statement. My mother died when I was 24 and no sibling could have taken away the hurt or loneliness I felt upon her death. My parents were divorced at the time and I'm an only child, so I dealt with all aspects of her death by myself.
I guess when people make the point about wanting to share the responsibility for their parents in their old age, they're thinking of a more monetary issue. But the emotional one is even more important to me than the money, and it's not something that having a sibling would have affected or improved.
Posted by: Ariella at Jan 19, 2006 1:39:21 PM
I am an only child. I never stopped wishing for a sibling, but also never lost sight of how much love and attention and support I got from my parents - and as an adult am still very close to both of them.
The only time in my life when I genuinely wished it was different was when my father spent 2 months in the hospital a few years back, and we didn't know if he would pull through. I couldn't believe how small our family felt at that point, or how I would have been able to put one foot in front of the other without being able to share that exact loss with another person. Selfish, maybe, but it felt very true.
Posted by: Marisa at Jan 19, 2006 1:44:34 PM
Got to the first post too late to read all the responses (got through about a third-- and you hit all the highlights from those in the Cliff notes :)).
I guess I just wanted to say that my sister is 8 years younger, and I loved being a big sister. We had our fights, but they weren't significant enough to want to have it any other way. And now my sister is a very cool adult. And the coolest part is she now lives in my city and works nearby. I see her almost every day. We speak on the phone a lot. My daughter loves her aunt. They have a little thing where my sister asks her "who do I love most in the world," and my daughter answers "me." That is the coolest thing.
And as many have said, she knows exactly why I am the way I am. Her and I are the only people in the world who know what it was like to grow up with our parents. Her and I are the only people in the world who understand our parents inside and out. We can bitch about them to each other, but it is always with the deepest understanding of how much we love them and how much we are like them.
And one more thing. I really loved being a much older sister. And I always wanted to give my children a similar experience. Despite my IF issues, and with full knowledge that they will probably show up again when we try again, I am holding out for now-- trying to strech the interval, so that my daughter gets to be a somewhat older sister. It won't be 8 years (hopefully... I don't really know what my IF will do to us), but I want it to be a while. But we are nearing the time when we said we will try again. And boy, is it scarry... I know I want another one (two, actually), but I also know how much it may suck, this road to a new baby.
Good luck to us all, on and off that road.
Posted by: JuliaKB at Jan 19, 2006 1:52:29 PM
This discussion has been heartbreaking and heart warming for me. While we struggled with ttc for over 2 years, every moment I had one thought....I may never see my child. Yes, it may be selfish, but I NEEDED to pass on a piece of me to this world, and I NEEDED to see my child and touch my child. To never have that biological link was crushing. We finally got very lucky and have our wonderful son. He's everything we ever dreamed of and oh, so much more. This is the child of my heart. We'd love to have another child or two, and we will pursue that goal to the same ends we did for #1. But in the end, if it never happens, then I will be able to get up the next day and move forward with my life. But if I'd never been able to have #1, I don't know where my next breath would come from. So for our family, ttc more children is completely different emotionally than it was the first time. We have our Sam, and if that's all we get in life, then he is enough.
Posted by: Betsy at Jan 19, 2006 1:59:06 PM
On a purely selfish note - there's NOTHING better than hearing your kids laugh together when they think you're not around. Like they're in on some secret you can't possibly know.
And to reaffirm someone else's post - my sister is my best friend because only she can understand where I'm coming from. We have the same insane parents and it helps to know I am not alone in thinking they're nuts. We have the same childhood reference points, memories and nightmares. It would be sad to not have anyone around to share those things with.
Posted by: BurleyBoysMomma at Jan 19, 2006 2:11:59 PM
I always thought I was happy being the mom of 1 child. Then I had my second and now can't imagine life with only one. I did wait 12 years to realize that I wanted a second, but that's beside the point. When I look at my first son and see how much love he has for his baby brother I feel guilty for waiting so long to have a second. Then again, if they were closer in age they wouldn't have the relationship they do. Sorry, I know this isn't helpful.
Posted by: Amanda at Jan 19, 2006 2:17:31 PM
Julie, everytime I read your blog, I am either crying or laughing till I cry.
Posted by: GDawney at Jan 19, 2006 2:22:20 PM
Well, the dilemma has just been answered for me I think. I just found out that I am pregnant with number two. We are still guarded b/c we have been through miscarriage and a hard time getting pregnant with number 1 (not to the level that many of you have been). But things are looking good so far. Sometimes things just happen to help you along in your decision making, I guess.
Posted by: Imperfect Mommy at Jan 19, 2006 3:00:12 PM
Julie, I have to ask...
How about alternatives?
A surrogate? Your eggs or not?
Adoption? Foreign adoption?
I'm sure you've considered these options in the past. Have your feelings changed about them since you've already had a 'homegrown' baby?
Posted by: Tammy at Jan 19, 2006 3:00:22 PM
Wow, those comments made me 2nd-guess my decision to have a second, and he is already 9 months old!
Posted by: CatherineH at Jan 19, 2006 3:26:19 PM
I struggle with this daily. We have been truly blessed to have 2 but the torture to get there? I still wonder that I survived it. And now we are considering doing this again?
I am not close with my siblings. We talk once a year.
My husband is one of 7 and they are very close.
It's not a matter of quantity. It's a matter of quality parenting.
Posted by: Anon at Jan 19, 2006 3:32:37 PM
Just wanted to thank you for highlighting some of those heartbreaking and fascinating comments. This has been an amazing discussion.
Posted by: Sundry at Jan 19, 2006 3:45:44 PM
Wow, that's a lot to digest. All of the comments were really moving and they all make sense.
I am my parent's only child with several half-siblings from my parents' second marriages. My husband is one of six and his parents are still together. While I'm close with my half-sibs, it's not the same closeness they share with each other or that my husband shares with his brothers. That's just the way it is, I guess. I look at what my husband has with his brothers and I want to give that to my son. I look at my MIL surrounded by her sons and I want that for myself.
I know having a second baby doesn't guarantee that my son will have that same closeness my husband is so lucky to have, but not trying for a second child guarantees my son won't even get to try for it.
Posted by: Jenny at Jan 19, 2006 3:45:47 PM
um. ditto what lizM said. personal decisions and all that.
Posted by: moxiemomma at Jan 19, 2006 3:51:25 PM
Infertility or no infertility, doesn't a woman risk her life to some extent every time she bears a child?
Provided she survives that brief time of ttc and pregnancy (in the scope of the life of a child, even *years* of ttc are short) both physically and emotionally, don't you think that the potential reward of sharing that child's life is worth the effort and risk?
Posted by: Antje at Jan 19, 2006 4:18:01 PM
I have to echo the sentiment that there's nothing like seeing the love between two siblings to completely melt your heart. My 7-month-old son so obviously adores his older sister and she loves nothing more than to care for him as best she can (at the ripe old age of two!) I only hope that I can help them maintain that relationship and that some day after DH & I are gone, they'll be able to sit back with a couple of beers and laugh & reminisce together...
Posted by: JennyK at Jan 19, 2006 4:29:37 PM
Wow...that's a pretty stunning anthology. I can't imagine it's making your thought process any easier though, Julie.
Just a quick comment on Tam's assessment that it takes a lot of work to raise a decent human being. I totally agree, but I also think that raising two (or three) decent human beings is not twice (or three times) as difficult. Each child will have their own parenting challenges, but as time goes on and you can watch your older kid taking on the role of big sibling/teacher/moral compass for the next one(s)--I've got to imagine that is an amazing experience. (Fingers crossed that we can get through all the fighting, biting, screeching, and tears first, however.)
Posted by: Kate at Jan 19, 2006 4:29:52 PM
All very interesting comments, though I found that, in my case, the opposite of emmaps' statement is true. She (?) states:
"I want to enjoy every stage of my son's growing up. I think almost inevitably when you have a newborn, you "miss" the corresponding stage that the older child is going through, and every day with DS is too much fun to want to be distracted from it."
If anything, in my experience, it is the baby stages that you miss with the younger siblings, and the oldest always gets the most attention for doing new things. Even so, it is so delicious to watch my older children marvel over my youngest learning to walk and talk, that words cannot properly describe it.
Anyway, I didn't respond to the last post because I am too deathly ill from being pregnant with my fourth (!) child. My husband and I loved the idea of lots of kids, close in age, to enjoy life with. I am still debating whether I am in fact nuts, but being so nauseous right now, will have to get back to you with a final opinion on that.
Having three (ages 5, 3 1/2 and 1 1/2) IS chaos, as someone also stated, but very fun - most of the time, anyway. It's hard to give them each as much individual attention as I'd like, but nothing beats watching them interact with one another. They each have their own relationships with each other, and clearly adore each other, even when they fight. And all three are thrilled about the impending birth of another sibling, which is a relief.
I know people think I'm nuts for having four, and I also know that I wouldn't feel complete with just one, as others do. Thank God no one is legislating family size here, and we can all make our own decisions.
I had primary infertility, but no secondary (or third or fourth). I would have been devestated if someone implied that I was greedy for wanting more children despite being unable to conceive again. We all get to make our own choices, and our own dreams. IMHO, of course.
Posted by: Lisa S (et al, aka Stolidoli) at Jan 19, 2006 4:41:43 PM
I was an only child for 14 years. I never felt lonely, was never spoiled (quite the opposite, actually), and never wanted a sibling. I may have been one of those precocious kids who related better to adults, but I see that as a *good* thing, and it sure as hell benefitted me a lot more, I think, when I compare my life to the "normal" kids I grew up around.
So, now I have this brother (we're both adults now, by the way). He's irresponsible, immature, unhelpful, and, well, selfish. He's never going to be able to help out if/when my parents need support. He shares none of my memories (which is fine--I don't need a person to serve as some sort of scrapbook for me, and frankly don't understand that whole line of thought). He's not my best friend or even a friend at all. We are not close. We do not have any special understanding of each other. We live in the same town but only see each other a few times a year, when the holidays dictate family get-togethers.
I bear him no ill will--that's just how things are. But the point is, and I've heard this often even from people who have siblings closer in age than I have, is that siblings provide no--absolutely NO--guarantees of companionship, closeness, compassion, burden-sharing, or whatever. It's a roll of the dice.
Speaking as a former only child who married another only child, there are so many advantages to being an only child, and so few (real) disadvantages. But the bottom line is that the decision to have another child should be based on what's right for one's own family unit--and it's just plain none of anyone else's beeswax.
Posted by: trixie at Jan 19, 2006 4:46:21 PM
Julie-
I thought about commenting the first time and couldn't read through all the comments so I didn't. I couldn't read them all again this time (you are blessed to have so many supportive readers) but I really wanted to throw this out there.
I have three children and I have never had to deal with infertility. My children came easily to me. There was never a question of whether or not to have more with my two boys (now 6 and 4). By the time my daughter rolled around, we knew we were done. We just knew it. Emotionally, financially, etc.
Kids are a lot of work. A lot. And they are expensive. You and Paul have been through 100 times the pain and heartache just to get your one. And he is a wonderful one. But what if... just what if... something happened to Charlie? I guess I am a worrier by nature but that point was really driven home a few years ago.
My husbands mothers extended family experienced many problems with fertility. This was a time before many of the ART options now. So there are several adopted cousins. A few years ago my husband's godmother called. Her only son, adopted, had just passed away from an aneurysm at the age of 28. It would be a tragedy for any family to cope with that. But now these two people, who had both recently retired, are facing their golden years without their only child. No prospect of grandchildren, etc.
Obviously, if having another child would endanger you so much as you would risk your own life it would not be worth it. And maybe I'm just a pessimist, but I'm really glad we have more than one child... just in case.
Posted by: Cari at Jan 19, 2006 5:12:51 PM
I wanted to add a link to an article that sums up what the book I recommend (Maybe One) explains in depth (based on a lot of research.) Here's the main points:
-Only children are no more lonely than others.
-Only children are no more selfish than others.
-Only children are no more maladjusted than others.
-Only children have higher self-esteem than others.
-Only children achieve more than others.
So why does the ugly, only-child myth continue? The article offers a good thing to remember when dealing with all sterotypes:
"...once people believe in the "only child" stereotype, they are unlikely to notice that some only children are not selfish, not lonely, not maladjusted. One of the characteristics of humans is that we seek out confirming evidence, ignore contradictory evidence and, in this way, maintain our beliefs."
http://utopia.utexas.edu/articles/opa/only_children.html
I offer none of this to discourage women from having 2 or 10 children, but as something to consider for those who are considering, or whose circumstances dictate, one child.
When it was becoming clearer that our son was going to be our one and only, I started doing research on it. I was surprised, and hugely relieved, to find so much positive information.
Posted by: Kathleen at Jan 19, 2006 6:32:39 PM
Coming out of lurkdom to comment on Antje's statement.
I struggled with infertility for about 5 years before conceiving our daughter with ART, only to lose her suddenly at 21.5 weeks of pregnancy because of incompetent cervix (she lived for 9 minutes). It was devastating. I wasn't sure I would be able to live through the pain, let alone try for another child.
We did make the choice to try again simply because we wanted a child, and our daughter showed us just how much love we had to share with one. We consider ourselves so very lucky to have our beautiful, adorable, sweet and spicy 16-month-old son.
When I think about trying for a second child, it isn't the thought of my physical survival that scares me--although maybe I'd feel differently if I had experienced serious health problems during my pregnancy. For me, it's the thought of my emotional survival. Having been in the depths of despair after losing one child, and now having a healthy living child, I do feel like I'd be tempting fate to try again. I know what it feels like to lose a child--and I don't think I could be a good parent to our son if that happened again.
I'm not sure that the potential reward of sharing another child's life overrides the potential devastation of not being able to share it. I guess in short--I don't worry about risking my life, I worry about risking my heart. I have one healthy, beautiful living child, and I've managed to heal from the pain of losing our other child while still honoring her memory with a mother's love. That's enough for me.
Great post. This is an interesting discussion.
Posted by: Susan at Jan 19, 2006 6:45:27 PM
This discussion has been amazing. We are right in the middle of this decision, although minus the complications of ART (but plus the whole "might die" thing -- always a fun thing to contemplate!).
Speaking as someone who got a bum deal from the sibling deck, I always felt cheated that my parents didn't have *more* children, so that I could have had at least one good sibling relationship. I never wanted to be an only child, even when my brother was making my life hell. I just wanted more choices. I saw my cousins growing up with four of them, and saw all the many different relationships among the four of them, and always envied the variety and delicious chaos of their house.
I had my first at 18, so there's 11 years between her and the 15-month-old. It's actually a wonderful gap, if you have the time on your reproductive clock, because it's really sequential only children. It's very easy to help my older daughter with algebra homework and nurse the baby at the same time. I feel like a two-year-old would be less understanding. Plus the two hours between the baby's bedtime and the older one's bedtime allow for lots of one-on-one attention, still, which is great at the challenging age of 12. :)
That being said, I feel like both of my daughters have missed out on having a close sibling, someone to really share their childhood with. I think it is so amazing when children learn from one another, and I think it is something that happens less with only children. Only children get a lot more adult interaction, it's true, but I sometimes agree with the "benign neglect" school of parenting -- that sometimes it's best for our kids if we stop micromanaging their lives and step back, let them have time to daydream, explore the yard, etc. I feel like when you have more than one child, you are forced to get some perspective, and not focus on their every action in an unhealthy way. Parenting two gives me balance, and lends a variety to my day (which in turn makes me a better parent). Whether or not we have any more, it is nice to know that my girls will have each other as they grow older. But it is awfully tempting to want to add a playmate for the younger one into the mix, not because I think I owe it to her, but because I feel like I am still overfull with love to give, and I don't feel "done" yet. But then there's that whole "might die" thing. Gives one pause.
Thanks again for the incredible dialogue.
Posted by: Laura at Jan 19, 2006 7:13:31 PM
Didn't comment last time, but will this time. We set out on the IVF rollercoaster to achieve our dream of becoming a family. After many years and a miscarriage, we finally achieved our dream and have a beautiful boy 14months old. I am about to try for a second. Why? Well, because I have one in the freezer and nothing ventured, nothing gained. If we are fortunate to have a second, that would be the icing on the cake. But as far as I'm concerned, we have the cake! A second would be nice, but is not essential to my ambition of being a parent. I feel fulfilled in that arena. Considering I originally faced a future without a child, I feel blessed to have my one.
Thank you for a very thought provoking post.
Posted by: m0na at Jan 19, 2006 7:47:13 PM
Every time I got up the courage to cycle again, something horrible happened. First my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer, then my best friend was diagnosed with breast cancer and then my mother was diagnosed with terminal esophageal cancer. I can remember the day my sister was diagnosed and her saying during one panicky moment that maybe the reason I couldn't get pregnant again was because I was meant to take care of her children. I wanted so badly to prove her wrong.
After we lost our mother, I realized that we couldn't have gotten through everything without each other and the drive to give my daughter a sibling was overpowering.
When my sister had a few terrifying days of potential re-occurance (it wasn't--Thank G*d!) I gently pointed out to her that of all of the three families that she would entrust with her children, we had all had just had babies--two of us after years of infertility and one twin pregnancy. I felt that maybe that was fate's (or whoever makes things happen)way of letting her know that she was going to have to raise her own rotten (beautiful!) girls.
But really at the end of the day, I wanted my girl to have someone to call up and say..."Oh my G*d! I can't believe how crazy Mom is!"
(used the G word way to many times in this..not usually
Posted by: Annieb at Jan 19, 2006 7:55:23 PM
I never understood the "might die" thing as a reason to have another child. To me, it's just plain odd.
Posted by: gretchen at Jan 19, 2006 9:11:55 PM
I have nothing new or helpful to add, except that those highlights were awesome. I also had so many "yes" moments reading through those.
And thanks to you, I've had babies on the brain for days. I can't stop thinking about it. It got to the point where I was sad when I got my period yesterday. Not that we're trying, and not that a baby is something we're at ALL prepared for right now. But still. I read through all the reasons for having another and against having another, and I keep thinking, "I want another!"
(I should probably discuss this with my husband. No?)
Posted by: Mete at Jan 19, 2006 10:32:37 PM
i have three -- a single and twins -- by IVF. our road was not as rocky as some, but it was obviously no bundle of joy either. PIO hurts, whether giving or receiving.
my kids are now pushing 4 and 3. for a time we had three children under two. i found that twins were about five times the work of a single, not twice the work. and we still had the infant single, during a very unplesant (by our standards) pregnancy.
i don't know what it would have been like if there'd been only one, or if we'd had the hard times julie and tertia and julia and the rest have had.
but i can't imagine life, now, without all three of my little monsters.
Posted by: RainbowW at Jan 19, 2006 10:53:29 PM
A couple of your commenters have described exactly how I feel about the prospect of having a second child after infertility. And, here I am, cycling again right now. I thought that once I started the Lupron, I'd be all gung-ho about IVF again. Not so. I find myself rather ambivalent: I don't care what the outcome is. If it's positive, then great! If it's negative, then I'll have wasted a lot of money, but whew, now I can go back to enjoying my perfect little 3-person family (that I fear will mutate horribly with the addition of another).
I am an only child and it hasn't been that bad. I guess the main reason I want another kid is to spit in the eye of infertility and prove to myself that I can have what society considers to be the perfect number of kids: 2. A boy and a girl.
Plus, having 2 will greatly improve my chances of having grandchildren!
Posted by: twizzle at Jan 19, 2006 11:52:33 PM
You know what I think, Julie? I think that either way, it'll be OK. What do you think about THAT? :)
Posted by: Schnozz at Jan 19, 2006 11:58:38 PM
Not to harp on the sibling relationship, but I feel like the negative comments you got about only children were from only children who were frustrated by others saying its bad to be an only. (In other words, I didn't see many comments from anyone saying its bad to be or have an only.)
I think that my son will be healthy, happy and well adjusted whether he's an only or not. But if he is an only, then he will never experience the sibling relationship, which was one of the defining relationships of my life (marked as much by its absence in the last 12 years as it was in its presence for my first 22 years).
I want my son to have it, whether he ever appreciates it or not. I want ME to have that- the experience of watching my children interact with each other and whisper "yeah, Mom's an asshat."
So what if anything, did all these strong opinions do in terms of helping you figure out a) if you will have more kids, and if so b) will you do IVF again, or adopt, or some combination?
Posted by: Leggy at Jan 20, 2006 12:04:20 AM
Many people have told me that now I've had a child my body will know what to do, that the second will be so much easier to conceive. The bitch of it is, sometimes I find myself wanting to believe that. As if somewhere my body is thinking "Oh THAT'S how it is done."
I'd rather wake up to a surprise pregnancy any day than have to make the conscious decision about whether to walk through the fire again. Before I wanted a child for all the things I thought I knew motherhood can be. Now I know what I'd be missing.
One day, I think we'll probably try again though I suspect my ability to handle the disappointment will actually be less than before. I don't think we'll try as long the 2nd time around - in some ways it would feel like saying we didn't have enough with my daughter, and in others it is exactly because of how much we have with her.
I guess I'm not so secretly hoping the decision will be made for me or that the stork will just find me.
Posted by: Mandy at Jan 20, 2006 12:58:09 AM
An earlier poster said, "I didn't see many comments from anyone saying its bad to be or have an only..."
I didn't, either. But I did see a lot of comments about everything that only children are missing out on :).
At this point I - as an only child who grew up to be very outgoing, with a large circle of friends, and only occasionally lonely during my pre-school days - am about ready to say you should try for another one just so Charlie can be spared feeling defensive about being an only child for the rest of his life! *grin*
Posted by: ASM at Jan 20, 2006 2:19:11 AM
Julia wrote I had a younger brother who died at age 27 yrs and I often think about the fact that the person who knew me the best is no longer here. That is one of the factors I can't let go of in my decision to parent another child.
One of the things that I find amazing is how similar experiences change different people in different ways...my husband lost a brother when he was a teen and his brother was several years older. They had finally found the groove where my husband wasn't a pest and his brother was in a point in his life where he enjoyed my husband.
And then he was killed and my husband was destroyed. And although he is very very close to his sister when we decided to be done with one my husband expressed relief that our son would never go through the pain of losing a sibling.
Posted by: Kelly at Jan 20, 2006 8:40:02 AM
Oh, come on, ASM — I think Sleeky's comment, and emmaps's, and Paula's, and J's provide a lot of compelling only-child-positive evidence!
And I think Malin's comment was heartbreakingly persuasive.
Posted by: Julie at Jan 20, 2006 9:19:38 AM
There's good reasons for both. Or for all: for having one, two, three, or more. It really just depends on each one of us, what each feels is right for them.
I adore Polly. I enjoy her to bits. She is the center of my universe. And trust me, I was more surprised than anyone to feel that the little nagging yearning for two kids had not gone away after all of the crap we had been through to get to Polly. It wasn't a question of not counting my blessings. It was a question of my soul, maybe, not getting the message that the rest of me thought we were done.
Posted by: Menita at Jan 20, 2006 9:38:39 AM
(I don't mean that we conceived #2 because my soul didn't think we were done - I mean that my soul was responsible for the yearning still being there even though I wanted nothing more to do with reproduction. Kind of when you keep loving someone you probably shouldn't).
Posted by: Menita at Jan 20, 2006 9:41:19 AM
It's been nine months since our 4th IVF failed, and we are currently finishing our home study & planning on advertising for the adoption of our first child. And yet, I still find myself grieving for the pregnancy and the biological child I will probably never have. So -- with all my heart -- I understand why a biological child is the first choice, even if adoption is also a beautiful and joyful option. I would never, ever be of the "just adopt" crowd -- there is no such thing as just adopting. Adoption is difficult in its own way, and can also make parenting more complicated. And yet, I wonder, Julie, after all that you've been through, why you never mention this as an option?
We have some good friends who had a very similar situation to yours -- she also had preeclampsia, and was forced to give birth to her son or die, before he was really ready to come along. (Can't remember the exact week count -- 23? --but it was very early.) And though he did survive, unfortunately, he did not turn out as well as Charlie. At four years old now, their son only recently came off the ventilator that had permanently been inserted into his throat. He wears thick glasses (they thought he might be fully blind when he was born), can't walk, and can't speak well. His parents love him dearly, and treasure his presence and his survival -- but his mother will never work again, and Ben requires permanent nursing help. The burden has been enormous financially and emotionally.
I don't tell this story to be a downer, but just to remind you that you are extraordinarily lucky on two fronts -- Charlie turned out well despite poor odds in the beginning, and you *do* have a biological child. Something I will never have.
My friends adopted a little girl from China for their second, and she is charming and beautiful. As a good friend, I was relieved and grateful when they told us of the adoption, as I knew they would not have to endure the pain and the risk involved in attaining their first child. I am by no means saying that adoption is what you should do, but I just wanted to point out that this is always an option, if you really want a sibling for Charlie & don't want to risk your health again. There are many ways in which adoption is not any easier than going through treatments, but there are ways in which it would be safer.
And incidentally, after all we have been through, we are also seriously considering the "just one" option. So, I am reading these comments with interest. Thanks, as always, for starting an interesting discussion, Julie. The day that I found your blog -- and the intelligent, thoughtful women attached to it -- changed my infertility experience permanently for the better.
Posted by: Jenny at Jan 20, 2006 9:50:33 AM
And yet, I wonder, Julie, after all that you've been through, why you never mention this as an option?
Hmm, don't I?
From my last post: It is perhaps telling that as Charlie howls at bedtime between intervals of check-and-comfort, I'm looking in my address book to see whether I still have my local clinic's number and consulting my calendar to see when the next open house is at a nearby adoption agency.
Posted by: Julie at Jan 20, 2006 9:53:38 AM
I am going through my second IVF right now. The first one took me a while to get over so I can't believe I am in the middle of it all again. I can't help but think while I am nursing yet again a sore hip from all the damn injections about the times of old. The time when I didn't think I'd have this much trouble to conceive. The days when I thought it was all within my control to have children. Like many of your readers, I believed it was up to me...how many children I would want. Boy or Girl. How far apart. I don't have those thoughts anymore. Thus far, I can't even have one so to think about that other stuff is a luxury not reserved for us infertiles. I used to want 2. As said, I hope I'll be lucky enough to have one. I love children. I have a sister and always thought it'd be wonderful to have more than one child, but Infertility has definitely sobered me up. I am clinging to the hope that this second IVF won't turn out to be another disappointment and I would be granted with a child of my own. If we can achieve that, I think we'll be complete.
Posted by: Me at Jan 20, 2006 10:17:04 AM
