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This one's just gross, y'all.

I am waiting for my small son to empty his bowels so that I might harvest the yield and take it in for analysis.

Because the collection process last time was so odious, I have chosen to try my doctor's recommendation of Saran Wrap.

As a consequence of his unremitting diarrhea, Charlie has diaper rash, so we have applied a layer of A&D ointment to his bare bottom.

Rash-dappled baby's butt. Thin glaze of unguent. Custom-cut rectangle of plastic film. Every time I pull out the waistband of his diaper to check for any issue, what I see looks like something you'd find in a supermarket refrigerator case.

Maybe I should take a friend's advice and augment the A&D with zinc oxide and hydrocortisone. Maybe it will then be not so much a salve as a tasty rub which will impart a delectable flavor to the ass of my son. Maybe I should have added garlic and rosemary.

Maybe the reason he hasn't yet let fly is because the cream and the wrap have formed an impermeable seal around his nether vent.

Maybe, when I take his sample — a wad of foul crumpled plastic crammed with cooking tongs into a specimen cup — in to the hospital lab, I will drop it off and simply...keep...driving.

Paul just came in to report that Charlie has finally deigned to fill his Saran Wrap.

May God help us all.