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08/12/2004
Male factor
The cat is seven months old. Predictably but alarmingly, he's begun to show signs of coming to sexual maturity. I stopped allowing Paul to call him a kitten some weeks ago, insisting instead that he had become a man-cat.
A man-cat with certain...desires. One night when I was chatting with Jo, he lay sleeping, sprawled across my lap on his back. Suddenly he began to twitch. Then to jerk. Then almost to spasm. It was then that I noticed the tiny catly erection he sported, not unlike the tip of a carnation pink Crayola. "AGGGGGH," I typed frantically to Jo, and unceremoniously jettisoned the cat before he, ah, reached his dreaming climax.
AGGGGGH.
So today I took him to be altered. Although I admired the tidy compactness of his fuzzy feline scrotum, it was time for it to be surgically neutralized. I deprived him of food, stuffed him into his carrier, and dropped him off at the veterinarian's office this morning.
Not long after I got home, the doctor called. Preliminary investigation — he felt my cat up — had revealed that the cat's testicles — he handled my cat's nut sac — were both undescended — he found no cat balls anywhere.
And you know what's true about undescended testicles? "Undescended testes could not produce sperm even if medical intervention could relocate them."
Our cat is infertile.
The procedure for removing undescended testicles is more involved than a garden-variety neutering, but we're having it done, since the presence of the testicles would still cause undesirable testosterone-fueled behavior (getting into fights, spraying the furniture, leaving his underpants on the floor, and writhing in erotic ecstasy on the lap of his appalled owner).
Our cat's lifelong dreams of fathering a litter were impossible, even without the operation. I will break the news to him gently. I will try to explain as he eyes me forlornly from within his lampshade. I will tell him he just wasn't meant to become a parent. And, despite the persuasive evidence to the contrary ("You let them do what to me?!"), I will swear it's not my fault.
Posted by Julie at 11:03 AM in I've learned a lot...but I'm not sure it's worth it. | Permalink
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Comments (24)
I am sure if your cat just relaxed he would have been able to father kittens. I have a friend's cousin's cat who was told he would never have kittens, so he adopted a bunny. Next thing you know he knocked up the neighbor cat, and fathered a litter of six. It works that way all the time. They ate the bunny.
Posted by: Lisa at Aug 12, 2004 11:17:55 AM
Fertility Blend for Cats may do the trick. The L-CATinine would surely make him produce oodles of strong necked, great swimming tadpoles. Then again, you aren't giving him the chance. For shame......
Posted by: S. at Aug 12, 2004 11:28:24 AM
Did your cat really have a wet dream? I had no idea cats could do that. Ew. Remove the nutsacs immediately - your cat is out of control.
Posted by: Danae at Aug 12, 2004 11:46:55 AM
I bet if he would just relax, maybe go on vacation or quit stressing about trying to produce so much he would be able to do it. Why My cousins best friends daughters ex-boyfriends cat had just the same thing...the undescended testes.. and all he did was not think about it for awhile. Next thing you know, BOOM! Cats from all neighborhoods were knocked up.
Posted by: Andreah at Aug 12, 2004 12:15:33 PM
Maybe if your cat went to church and they laid hands on him, his testes would descend and he could claim his god given right to father kittens.
Posted by: Debe at Aug 12, 2004 12:48:31 PM
Your cat was just not meant to have kittens. He should just deal.
Posted by: Anna at Aug 12, 2004 12:49:13 PM
Maybe if your cat went to church and they laid hands on him, his testes would descend.
Too late! The deed is done. The cat is nutless. Yea, he is nutless indeed.
Posted by: Julie at Aug 12, 2004 12:57:57 PM
You know that even as we type, your cat is looking out the window at other, more swaggeringly fertile cats and wondering "why me? WHY ME??"
Perhaps a trip through my barren garden would perk him up...or he could go be Koko's new Child Substitute Cat!
Posted by: akeeyu at Aug 12, 2004 12:58:13 PM
That's a great idea, the Koko gig. He doesn't have much of a tail, so he could be All Ball II.
Of course, he now has no balls, so that name might be, in the end, a touch misleading.
Posted by: Julie at Aug 12, 2004 1:07:50 PM
God, what are the odds that you would adopt an infertile cat?
Posted by: Caitlin at Aug 12, 2004 1:22:53 PM
The irony is not lost on us.
Posted by: Julie at Aug 12, 2004 1:33:58 PM
Oh, Lisa, I love your scenario. Hilarious.
"Hilarious Scenario." I think that would be a good name for your baby. Think about it. It has a very stately and dignified sound, if you take away its meaning.
The cat could always enlist the aid of a donor should he choose a bride and want to start a family.
I've got some great kitty-porn here to donate to the cause.
Posted by: mollie at Aug 12, 2004 2:27:16 PM
Maybe if he switched to kitty boxers?
Posted by: tenn at Aug 12, 2004 3:15:29 PM
Oh Julie LMAO over here. You see I just had my retrieval on Tuesday and in the next room my Hubby with male factor (vasectomy) was getting man handled in much the same way your cat was, he claims he was accosted and abused (yeah I’ll show him accosted and abused). I’ll have to show him you post today I’m sure it will make him feel better (snerk!).
Posted by: Anne at Aug 12, 2004 3:15:54 PM
"Our cat is infertile."
So it IS contagious, then?
Posted by: Christine at Aug 12, 2004 4:39:13 PM
I will never look at my male cat the same way again. Feline erotic dreams. You've taken my innocence away. Shame on you.
Posted by: chris at Aug 12, 2004 4:56:47 PM
I thought man-cat's name was Follistim.
huh.
Posted by: KathyH at Aug 12, 2004 5:18:48 PM
He's a fine lad, that one. I hope he comes through it all very well and recovery is swift. My own, Andy, had many a nasty, horrible wet dream before he was fixed at 20 weeks and I still shudder to think of it. Thankfully he's lovely enough for to not remember! Good luck to Man-Cat!
Posted by: Jen P at Aug 12, 2004 5:54:59 PM
I don't see what the big deal is. Can't the cat "just" adopt?
Posted by: ValleyGal at Aug 12, 2004 7:08:14 PM
If he does need any kitty porn, may I recommend:
www.livenudecats.com
Hilarious.
Posted by: akeeyu at Aug 12, 2004 11:58:43 PM
Just so you know, he may go on having kitty erections even after the operation is complete. I grew up with a neutered male cat who did just that. Mercifully, though, there were no apparent climaxes.
Posted by: giddy at Aug 13, 2004 8:53:00 AM
That lampshade barren cat is wearing can be a really fun superhero cape. My kids, okay me, cut it up a little and then tied it around the cat's neck and shoulders and called him Super Kitty. We took pictures, he loved it. Okay hated it, but we loved it.
Posted by: Lisa at Aug 13, 2004 10:20:16 AM
KathyH: What's "nasty" and "horrible" is you depriving another creature of their ability to experience sexual pleasure. "I still shudder to think of it." Bitch.
Posted by: E at Oct 25, 2005 1:22:52 AM
This was the funniest thing I have come across in ages. Thanks for the laugh!
Posted by: at Sep 1, 2007 12:14:55 AM
